Friday, February 18, 2011


Dear Diary (blog),
I have to admit that last night was one of my WORST ever nights as a parent. Lately I have been so tired and last night was no different. It has been sooooo hard with Gus gone all the time to clinics/work/or doing church stuff. He doesn't make it home until 10 on the nights he has clinicals and 8 if he is working, which leaves me pretty much as a single parent. I have to admit that it is hard especially when I am pregnant.
Last night my kids were being complete hellions. I had one throwing fits over everything I asked him to do, one making messes everywhere she went, one completely defying me in every way. Well, one thing led to another and after I had one in time-out for the 3rd time in 2 hours, I lost it. Too much at one time! I let out a yell and slammed my door shut and started sobbing. I have never felt so incapable of doing something as I had right then. I wondered why I ever wanted to be a parent and even worse why I was bringing another one into this world. I have been struggling lately with my self worth. I feel like a glorified babysitter. I miss teaching so much and feel that I really don't do much while I'm at home. At least while I was teaching I felt some sort of accomplishment with my days. I wasn't throwing up, cleaning up, vacuuming, cooking dinner, picking up Legos, and yelling every 5 minutes.
I knew I had to say a prayer. The words of a song started coming to my mind. I heard this song one Sunday and it sent me into tears. I have to remind myself of its message constantly. Here are the words:
I have a little flock of sheep,
And they are mine to tend and keep.
I must guard them every day,
For little lambs when left alone, will loose their way.
So many voices say to me,
A sheepfold is no place to be.
Your time in there is dull and slow,
And lambs leave very little room for you to grow.
For if I ever start to stray,
Deceived of thoughts of greener pastures,
Remind me Lord that keeping sheep
Will lead to happier ever afters.
Oh surely there will come a day
When all the lambs have left my side
And I am free to roam and about
And go exploring other meadows green and wide.
Yet something whispers in my heart
That when my sheep have left this pen
I'll long to stroke their little heads
To draw them close to me and have them young again.
So while they still are in my care
I pray that I will clearly see,
These little lambs within my folds
Are tender gifts the master shepherd has given me.
After I had calmed down, I called each one of them in my room and we all cried. I explained that I get upset when Dad isn't home and I am tired and they won't listen. I apologized for getting mad. They were really good after that. I was so embarrassed for the way I acted around them. I do love them all so much and I am so blessed to have good kids. I do have to be thankful that I am here every day for them. I get to kiss the boo-boos, snuggle with them, read them stories, and listen to them laugh. I get to share in their ups and downs, their silly jokes, their smiles and kisses. I'm so blessed that Heavenly Father sent them to me. So they are my lovely sheep and I am happy being Little Bo Peep!!


heidi said...

I really needed to hear that song too! I don't think I have ever heard it before but how true it is. I struggle with the same feelings daily. It takes a lot to admit you are wrong to your children. Thanks for sharing. Love you!

Oh, maybe you should make some vinyl for that song so I can hang it up somewhere!

Goodwin Family said...

Thanks for that Melanie! Today has been one of those days! I'm a 90% single mom myself and I hate it! Really needed the reminder!! Thanks again!

Bonnie B. said...

thanks for sharing those words! you are so awesome. and really, such a greeat example to me. you are not alone in your feelings. i often feel the same.
love you!

Janet said...

Sweet Mel,
being a stay at home mom is the hardest least rewarding job there is. There is always house work to do and kids to take care. The rewards are not easily seen. Having the little boy just want to know where you are, to know you are there for whatever he needs. Watching that little boy grow. Knowing you never missed any of it, you were there for all the good days and the bad. You helped with the book reports, you helped with the valentines you made the lunches, ran the forgotten item to school, that list could go on and on. As you watch the boy become a man about ready to face the world. That my dear is the reward, that's when you heart swells with pride and you know that the million zillon hours you spent were spent well.

Becky said...

OH I'm glad that I'm not the only one who screams at my children and then cries afterward.

One of the most important lessons that I learned from my Mom was when she would humbly apologize for being wrong or loosing her temper. (She didn't even loose her temper nearly as much as I do.)

The very most important words I've heard about being a mom are from my aunt. She says, "remember these are the best days of your life." I have to tell myself, just like you, that someday my kids will be grown and moving on and I am going to wish they were little again.

I love that song you shared, I've never heard it before. I'm going to have to post the words somewhere in my house now.