Sheep

Dear Diary (blog),

I have to admit that last night was one of my WORST ever nights as a parent. Lately I have been so tired and last night was no different. It has been sooooo hard with Gus gone all the time to clinics/work/or doing church stuff. He doesn't make it home until 10 on the nights he has clinicals and 8 if he is working, which leaves me pretty much as a single parent. I have to admit that it is hard especially when I am pregnant.

Last night my kids were being complete hellions. I had one throwing fits over everything I asked him to do, one making messes everywhere she went, one completely defying me in every way. Well, one thing led to another and after I had one in time-out for the 3rd time in 2 hours, I lost it. Too much at one time! I let out a yell and slammed my door shut and started sobbing. I have never felt so incapable of doing something as I had right then. I wondered why I ever wanted to be a parent and even worse why I was bringing another one into this world. I have been struggling lately with my self worth. I feel like a glorified babysitter. I miss teaching so much and feel that I really don't do much while I'm at home. At least while I was teaching I felt some sort of accomplishment with my days. I wasn't throwing up, cleaning up, vacuuming, cooking dinner, picking up Legos, and yelling every 5 minutes.

I knew I had to say a prayer. The words of a song started coming to my mind. I heard this song one Sunday and it sent me into tears. I have to remind myself of its message constantly. Here are the words:

I have a little flock of sheep,

And they are mine to tend and keep.

I must guard them every day,

For little lambs when left alone, will loose their way.

So many voices say to me,

A sheepfold is no place to be.

Your time in there is dull and slow,

And lambs leave very little room for you to grow.

For if I ever start to stray,

Deceived of thoughts of greener pastures,

Remind me Lord that keeping sheep

Will lead to happier ever afters.

Oh surely there will come a day

When all the lambs have left my side

And I am free to roam and about

And go exploring other meadows green and wide.

Yet something whispers in my heart

That when my sheep have left this pen

I'll long to stroke their little heads

To draw them close to me and have them young again.

So while they still are in my care

I pray that I will clearly see,

These little lambs within my folds

Are tender gifts the master shepherd has given me.

After I had calmed down, I called each one of them in my room and we all cried. I explained that I get upset when Dad isn't home and I am tired and they won't listen. I apologized for getting mad. They were really good after that. I was so embarrassed for the way I acted around them. I do love them all so much and I am so blessed to have good kids. I do have to be thankful that I am here every day for them. I get to kiss the boo-boos, snuggle with them, read them stories, and listen to them laugh. I get to share in their ups and downs, their silly jokes, their smiles and kisses. I'm so blessed that Heavenly Father sent them to me. So they are my lovely sheep and I am happy being Little Bo Peep!!

Love,

Melanie

It's a Boy!!!

Yeah! It's another boy! Today we went in for our ultrasound and were way surprised! Gus was sure that this was another girl, and so did I because I have been so sick, but secretly wanted another boy. Everyone else thought it was a girl too. This little one is so active. My other babies weren't this busy during the ultrasound. The tech actually had a hard time getting some pictures because the baby kept moving! He kept flashing his boy parts, so there is no doubt this is a little boy! He is about 12 oz. and my due date has moved to June 28! I think I will go with that date from now on!

I am so excited! I would have loved another girl, but boys are so much easier! I do feel bad that Alivia doesn't get to have a sister, but she will be able to hold her own! We gave the kids each a blue sucker and had them guess what we were having. Zach is really excited. Parker is okay with it and Alivia is kinda oblivious at what is going on. She just liked the sugar. We are super excited and blessed to welcome another little one into our home.